The Cost of War
by brightspark
Summary: AU, SeiferxSquall. Seifer, a disobedient soldier, is assigned a task to keep him out of the way. He must guard a young man on his way to end the war.


A new full length fic from me and iliyana! W00t!

Yes, we're nuts, and we do spend all our time RPing these things. Anyway, in this, once again, I played as Squall (and Quistis, and the unnamed soldier) and she played as Seifer. This is AU, very obviously. I also suggest that if you like smut, go read the full version, which is linked in my profile, although if you're not of legal age, don't say I encouraged you. If you can't see the link, leave your email with me and I'll email you it, or you can simply wait until my profile refreshes.

That said, onto the fic.

Take note of the tragedy category. This is not a happy fic – unless you have certain views. But we'll leave all that unsaid for you to find out.

* * *

**Squall POV**

Quistis seems almost nervous around me now, and it's a little disappointing, since she has been a friend and a teacher for some of the time I've spent training. Although… I don't blame her. I have the power to end this war – if anything happens to me before I reach my destination, there'll be hell to pay. Still, I can't imagine what could happen to me. I don't even know why my father insists that I have a bodyguard. I've been taught to fight and use magic – surely that's enough?

The soldier who I assume will be my bodyguard is leaning back against the wall when we reach him, turned to shelter his cigarette from the wind as he waits for us to reach him. He gives his commander a somewhat insolent look as she approaches, throwing his cigarette away and straightening up.

"Almasy."

"Yes ma'am," he says, apparently obedient. I wait a little behind her, examining him carefully, trying to learn something about this man just from looking at him. He's not one of the soldiers I've come to know through Quistis, though she's obviously his commanding officer. He's taller than I am, blond haired, green eyed. The thing I notice most is his trench coat; he's not wearing a uniform like Quistis does.

"You certainly pissed the higher ups off this time," she says, quietly, as if I won't be able to hear. She sighs, "You've been assigned to guard duty and removed from the active duty rosters. You're in for a long trip. This is the man you are going to be protecting." She indicates me with a nod and I look away as he gives me a curious look, raising an eyebrow.

"A trip, ma'am?"

"His name is Squall Leonhart," she says with a brisk nod, "You'll be guarding him on his way to put an end to this war."

He gives her a slightly incredulous look. "I thought that was what the army was for, ma'am."

She shrugs, raising an eyebrow, "The war has dragged on long enough without the army finishing it, I think. Are you refusing orders?"

He sighs quietly, not looking too happy with his new assignment. "Orders accepted, ma'am."

"Good. I don't suppose I need to explain to you how important it is that he gets where he's going, or what will happen if you fail?"

"Everything is clear, ma'am."

"Your route is marked on this, but he should know it already," she says, handing the man a map and turning to me. "Sir, this is Seifer Almasy, he's accepted the task of guarding you."

I nod, and she turns to go. I don't bother telling her to wait. It would only make her uncomfortable and even though she has been… friendly, and kind to me, on the few occasions we've actually talked, long goodbyes are pointless. I turn to look at Seifer as he studies the map for a moment, and then raise an eyebrow as he looks up, a bored expression on his face.

"You're just an ordinary soldier, if you're under her command," I tilt my head in the direction Quistis left. "How does an ordinary soldier come to be guarding me?"

"I happen to be about the best 'ordinary soldier' they have around here," he says, putting the map in one of the pockets of his coat. "Though I might have ignored curfew a few times too many."

"I see." I look around the place for a last moment, but again, long goodbyes are pointless. "Shall we go? Or is there anything you need to get?"

He picks up the bag that was by his feet and puts it on his back. "We go." He looks over me and then adds, "But I wouldn't leave dressed like that, if I were you."

I frown a little, "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

He raises an eyebrow. "Oh nothing, just don't come whining when your leather starts to chafe."

"I'm used to it." I shrug slightly and turn to leave as he does. I'm determined not to look back at anyone or anything. It's not worth it, and it would upset me where really there's nothing else I can do. This is what I'm meant to do and pathetic attachments to places and people might hinder me in that duty. From what I know of other people, it should probably disturb me how deeply words and phrases like that have imprinted themselves on my consciousness. But it doesn't, probably because it's the truth. And I'm not an ordinary human, at least not anymore.

The soldier heads out of the base in front of me, only throwing a quick glance over his shoulder to make sure I'm following. I'm almost glad to be setting off. It was… frustrating, when people decided that I shouldn't go after spending most of my life in preparation. Most of what I can remember is being instructed on what to do on this journey, where to go, things to do in emergencies, and being reminded, constantly, what this journey means for me and for the people of this country.

He slows his pace just a little until I catch up with him, giving me a curious look. "So how are you supposed to end the war?"

I wonder why he hasn't been told. But then, he is a soldier, and the army officers have been the ones opposing this most. "If you don't know, I'm not supposed to tell you. You just need to make sure I don't die before I get there. That's all you need to know."

"Right, I'm just an ordinary soldier, far beneath you," he snorts quietly, rolling his eyes, "Just stay out of my way if it comes to a fight, your highness."

I nod slightly, despite the sarcasm in his voice, and then add quietly, "I've been trained to fight and use magic if necessary, but never in a battle situation."

"Great, not only do I get guard duty, I get to guard someone who can barely defend himself." He sighs in frustration, and I have to wonder why they couldn't give me a nicer travelling companion – at least one who knows when to stay quiet. I hope he doesn't do this all the way – it's already tiresome.

-----

I sit with my knees drawn up to my chest for warmth, watching Seifer throwing more wood onto the fire. Over the day of travelling with him, I'm at least happy that he'll do his duty and get me to where I'm going. He's efficient, smart, and, from all I can tell, a good soldier, though we haven't run into much trouble yet for me to really be able to tell.

Once he's done with the fire, he stretches out and looks up at the sky. I prefer to look at our surroundings, however bare they are. Being so far from the base is a new thing for me. My training kept me mostly inside, and when I was outside, I was always carefully watched and taken back inside as soon as it looked as if I was getting too interested in something. I understand why. For someone who shrank from the task, running away would have been all too tempting.

But I wouldn't run away. Now or back then.

Seifer props himself up a little, reaching into his bag and pulling out two apples, throwing one over to me. "Hope you're not too hungry."

I shake my head as I catch it, and he lies back, eating his apple, the silence almost a tangible thing between us as he looks up at the sky, tracing with his eyes the constellations.

I eat silently for a while before I decide to break the silence. "How long do you think this journey will be?"

He shrugs slightly. "Two and a half, maybe three weeks, depending on how fast we go and how much trouble we run in to."

"I see." I nod, stretching out a bit. His answer, coming so quickly and easily, makes me a little jealous of him; he's obviously had the opportunity to travel somewhat. To distract myself from that, I add, "I know how far it is in miles, but I can't estimate time. Thank you."

"No problem." He takes his eyes off Orion for a moment to look at me. "Haven't done much travelling yet?"

How can he tell so easily? I guess it's transparent. I shake my head slightly, "I don't... I've never travelled before."

"You're fucking kidding me, right?" He props himself up on his elbows, giving me a somewhat incredulous look. "You're saying you spent all of your life in that stuffy base?"

"Yes." I raise an eyebrow slightly. I didn't think all people travelled so much, or that it would be odd that I haven't. "That's... unusual?"

"Unusual, he says." He rolls his eyes, a little mockingly. "In the last three years, I've been on more bases than I can remember."

"You're a soldier, though."

"Lived in three different towns before I enlisted," he says with a shrug, finishing his apple and throwing it away into the darkness. I sigh quietly. I wonder how much I missed because I'm so 'special', but it doesn't matter. My only purpose is to finish this war, and then I won't have to worry about what I've missed.

"What have you been doing with your life then, if you spent all your time in the same place?"

I shrug, not seeing any harm in satisfying his curiosity. "Getting ready for this."

"Took you that long?" He raises an eyebrow and sits up.

"I was taught to fight, and use magic, and I had to memorise the route." I shrug again, "I've been ready to leave for a while, but people opposed it, said it was unnecessary."

"So you _can_ take care of yourself, you've just got no experience?" He sighs softly, seeming somewhat pleased with that. I can understand why. It'd be a burden to have to be bodyguard to someone who couldn't help himself in battle at all.

"I have full stocks of magic and I can use several weapons. I didn't see the need to drag a bodyguard along with me, but..."

He snorts softly. "Never question the big shots unless you feel like cleaning bunks with a toothbrush for a month." I raise an eyebrow and he adds, with a shrug, "I didn't feel like doing a certain assignment."

"I see," I nod slightly, pausing, and then I ask, "You don't like doing this, either, do you?"

"No shit, I'm a soldier, not a babysitter." He grumbles, muttering something I can't hear and probably don't want to.

"I'm sorry," I lean back onto my hands, looking up at the sky, glancing over at Seifer now and again. My eyes are almost drawn to him. I've never met anyone quite like him, which isn't surprising considering my limited experience. I wonder what his motives are, why he fights, why…

"Yeah, well, not much that can be done about it now," he says after a moment, interrupting my thoughts, and then lies down again, closing his eyes for a moment. I keep my eyes on him, questions forming in my head to find out more about him.

"Do you like being a soldier?"

"It's what I'm good at." I roll my eyes at that response, because being good at something doesn't necessarily mean liking it. But he opens his eyes and adds something. "Anybody who says they like being a soldier pretty much admits that they like to kill."

"I like what I'm doing only because it might help others. I suppose you're right, but couldn't you like fighting for your country without liking what you have to do?"

"Fighting for my country?" he snorts, "What's my country ever done for me?"

"Nothing, I suppose."

"Exactly, I don't owe them anything, I just work for them."

I look upwards at the sky, thinking. He doesn't fight for his country; it's just a job, because his country hasn't done anything for him. What I have to do… it's not the same. And yet, it is. I shouldn't have to do it, since my country has done nothing for me either. Though I have been raised in comfort and taught and so on… it was only so that I would live to do this.

"Anyway... I'm going to catch some sleep, maybe you should too." Seifer breaks the silence, grabbing the blanket next to him and spreading it out over himself for warmth. I sit quietly for a few more moments, thinking before I follow his example, tired from the amount of walking that I've never done before, sleep coming quickly.

-----

Seifer pushes his gunblade clean through the chest of one of our attackers, pulling the trigger at the same time, and, after pulling it back, whips around to face the next, his fighting quick and experienced. I've been casting spells, trying to help him, but it isn't doing much good. Something else needs doing… there's too many of them. Fortunately, I know something that can and will win, if I can use it…

Seifer keeps fighting and causing carnage as I step back, closing my eyes and concentrating hard. I trust him to protect me for the duration of the summoning, and I shut out the battle field, reaching out for Shiva, the guardian force that seems to like me best. She comes after only a little struggle, amused at my concern for my protector, promising to take care of us both since, once again, I've proved stronger than her.

Seifer steps back when Shiva appears, her magic freezing and killing all the attackers. I drop to my knees as she steals my energy to power her, left gasping and even trembling a little. Seifer curses quietly when he sees me fall, hurrying over to me. "What the fuck was that?"

"Shiva," I tell him, taking a deep breath and sitting back, too drained to stand up again yet. I close my eyes in a futile attempt to steady myself and recover quickly.

He kneels next to me, putting a hand on my shoulder, sounding rather surprised. "And you did that?"

"She didn't want to come, I had to force her. The less they want to come, the more it takes out of me."

"Right." He puts an arm around my chest, pulling me up to my feet. "You going to be able to walk?"

I nod, pulling away from him, ignoring the faint tremors still running through me. "I'll be fine."

"If you say so," he says, doubtfully, and I smile faintly. I look around at all the frozen dead bodies, sending my thanks to Shiva, who seems a little smug at how tired I am. Something about not being as strong as I was. Whatever.

He nods, answering my look around the area, "You pulled quite a number on them. Though I'd appreciate it if you'd warn me next time."

"Sorry. I won't do it again for a while, anyway."

"Right." He walks over to the edge of what was the battlefield to retrieve his bag. "Usually, I'd say let's get the fuck out of here, but you look like crap, so I won't."

I frown slightly. It's stupid to want to carry on with the risk of collapsing, but I don't… I don't want to seem weak in front of this man. He's stronger than anyone I've ever known, in some ways, and I'd hate to seem less than him somehow. "I'm fine to go on, I just need a minute..."

"Take your time." He shrugs, looking around for a moment, making sure no one else is coming for us.

I sigh softly, watching him, wondering why he's always in my thoughts, why he has become so important to me. It should be him protecting me, not me risking my life to call a guardian force and force them to end the battle quickly.

He walks back to me, looking me up and down. "You're sure you're going to be okay?" I feel my cheeks heat up a little as I nod, a little ashamed at helping him only to cause him more problems after the battle. He sits down with a soft sigh and an 'okay then', waiting for me to be ready. "Why didn't you tell me you could do stuff like that?"

"I never intended to use it, but I had to help you."

"Oh, I see." He leans back on his hands, looking up at the sky, adding, "Thanks, I guess."

I sigh again, finally admitting to myself that I'm not going anywhere for a while, finding a comfortable place to sit, watching Seifer again. My eyes seem drawn to him and I'm almost unable to look away. He ignores me, and I huff softly, looking away and trying to figure out why I keep wanting to look him, to stare at him… He's just a man, just a soldier, just my guard, why…?

"Something wrong?"

I shake my head and then look at him again, finding his eyes closed, so I say it aloud. "Not really."

"If you say so." He shrugs, running his fingertips through the grass, apparently enjoying the chance to pause instead of rushing onwards. I move a little closer, since his eyes are closed, indulging my preoccupation with just watching him. He frowns a little as my shadow blocks his sunlight and shifts away. I move a little bit closer still, taking care this time not to let my shadow block the warmth of the sun.

He opens his eyes suddenly, propping himself up a little, and looks right into my eyes, suddenly very close to me. I look away, though that doesn't help much, my cheeks heating up a little. He reaches up, cupping one of my cheeks in his hands and leaning even closer, pressing his lips to mine.

I pull back quickly. "What… why did you do that?"

"I felt like it." He shrugs, still looking at me, caressing my cheek with his thumb and not moving away. If he was anyone else, I know I'd push him, make him go away, but part of me doesn't want to so I just sit there, leaning slightly into his touch and trying to figure out what's going on.

"Look, if you don't want me to kiss you, that's fine by me, just say it." He pulls away, sitting up properly, and I wish he hadn't.

I want to tell him that I didn't mind it, that I liked it, but the words get lost on the way, replaced instead by my confusion. "Kiss…?"

He raises an eyebrow. "Yeah, you know, kiss, involves lips and sometimes tongues."

"I haven't… I didn't… I've never…" I want to explain that I didn't know what it was, that I've never been… 'kissed', but all that comes out is a few broken sentences.

"Oh, like that. Fuck." He moves closer to me, his hand cupping my cheek again, "You should have just said so." I would have, if I understood what was going on. I hate being so sheltered, not understanding… I lean into his touch a little again and he leans closer. "So you don't mind if I…"

His lips brush mine again and this time, I kiss him back, not thoroughly sure what I'm doing but feeling that I can trust Seifer to teach me. He moves a hand into my hair, pressing closer to me and I make a soft, pleased sound, almost without wanting to. Something warm and wet trails over my lips, and I realise it's his tongue as my mouth drops open a little, remembering what he said about kisses sometimes involving tongues. He wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer, and I copy what his mouth is doing.

I like this. Being held, being kissed… being alive, I guess. I wish… I wish I'd known what this was like before. He laughs quietly at me, pulling away slightly, resting his forehead against mine. I hope he isn't laughing because I messed up or something…

He gives me another light kiss, smiling. "A little hard to believe you've never been kissed."

"Why?"

He shrugs a little. "Just that you're pretty… attractive."

I don't know what to say to that, so I lean forward and kiss him again, lightly. He kisses back, his arms tightening around me, and just holds me for a moment. I could get to like this too much, I think. With that in mind, I pull back, feeling a lot better from my previous energy drain. "I'm ready to carry on, now."

He blinks, but gets up quickly enough, perhaps a little surprised by the sudden change in mood, grabbing his bag. "Sure, let's go."

----

I watch Seifer as he pokes at the fire, watching the sparks come up from it in a flurry. It surprises me a little when he speaks after a while of silence, looking over at me. "So did you ever do anything but prepare for whatever you're on your way to do?"

I move close to him, closer than I have been on previous nights, and shake my head slightly. "Not really. I read a lot, whenever I had spare time, but only books my teachers gave me and wanted me to read."

"Must have been fucking boring." He sighs softly and sits back, his eyes on the fire as my eyes are on him.

"Some of it was." I move a little close to him, not wanting to crowd him and too… shy, I guess, to ask him to hold me. He gets the message anyway, moving toward me and putting an arm around my back. I lean into him a little, enjoying being close to another person. I've never really been like this with anyone before, after all.

"My teachers said that…. I was lucky. They said that, even though I have to go on this journey, at least before this I had more than most people. They said that… most of our ordinary soldiers can't read. Can you?" I've said it before I realise that it might embarrass him to not be able to read.

He sighs quietly. "No, I can do some basic math, but reading is beyond me. So yeah, you're lucky."

Not as lucky as he thinks. But I can't say that. "Learning to read was hard, and boring. I'd… rather have spent time outside, with people."

He snorts softly. "You didn't miss much, most everyone out here nowadays is either a thief, a whore, or some kind of traitor."

"I wouldn't know." I raise an eyebrow, not really knowing what a 'whore' is, but not thinking it matters, either. Nothing like that will matter once I've ended the war, anyway.

"I'm just saying… the country's gone to hell, that's all." He tightens his arm around me, as if that bothers him, and I lean my head against his shoulder, thinking.

"It's the war, isn't it?"

"Yeah." He runs his hand up my back, along the line of my spine, making me shiver, his hand going up to the back of my neck where he runs his fingers through my hair and plays with it a little. "It's been going on way too long."

"I'll end it, though."

"You keep saying that." He leans his head against mine, a vague, light pressure. "Still not going to tell me how?"

I don't know if I should. But I trust him, and if I only tell him part of it… that should be okay. "I was born with the ability to cause a lot of destruction… to kill a lot of people. By the time I reach my destination the army will have pulled back and I will use that ability to get rid of… to kill the other country's soldiers."

He raises an eyebrow and straightens, pulling away slightly and frowning as he looks at me. "Just how damned powerful are you, anyway? Doesn't sound as if you need a fucking bodyguard."

"I… can't use it yet, and you saw what calling Shiva did to me. I need a bodyguard… I need _you_ to get me there alive."

He snorts softly, probably not believing me, and shakes his head, leaning closer to me again. "If you say so." I move closer to him, hoping that doesn't mean that he'll leave me, and he smiles slightly. I'd be horribly lonely again if he left me. "Not that I'm complaining, you know."

"I thought you didn't like this assignment."

"I didn't, still don't." He smirks slightly, "But I've grown to… appreciate my company."

I roll my eyes with a nod, silent for a few moments before asking, "What would you rather be doing?"

He shrugs, thinking it over for a moment before saying quietly, "I think I'd like to go fishing, it's been a while and at least I can do that without some twit barking orders at me."

"You should do that, once you've left me at my destination."

"Yeah, maybe I should." He smiles at me, leaning in and kissing me, wrapping his arms around me as I kiss back. After a moment he pulls back slightly. "Maybe we should try to get some sleep?" I nod, but I don't move, and he smiles a little. "You want to sleep here?"

When I nod he reaches for his blankets, pulling away from me and laying down. I lay down beside him, moving close, and softly, almost shyly, whispering, "Will you… hold me?"

He laughs softly, pulling the blankets over us and wrapping his arms tightly around me. "Of course. What did you think I was going to do, just lie here next to you?"

I shrug slightly, looking up at him and his laughing expression before closing my eyes, kissing him lightly as he pulls me tighter against him, breaking the kiss with a soft, tired sigh. He presses a last, light kiss to my forehead and then he's asleep almost immediately, and I quickly follow.

----

Seifer sits down on the ground, wiping his forehead and pulling two of the army ration packs we've been eating for a few days out of his bag. I sit down beside him, taking one from him and enjoying being off my feet. I've never walked so much in my life and the soreness of my feet is a constant reminder of that.

"Fuck, remind me, why was it a good idea to get in a few more miles before lunch?" he grumbles softly, digging into his meal. He looks over at me, adding, "Does mean we can stop earlier tonight, though, we're right on schedule anyway."

I start to eat before answering, nodding. "I've got to time this right. Too early and I could kill some of our own troops, too late and the other side will win anyway."

"I think we'll be able to tell if our own side is still getting their asses kicked there."

"Probably." I shrug, and then I look away from him, focusing on my meal. "You'll turn back before I get to the exact place, of course."

"No, I prefer to do a job properly, so I'll be dropping you off on the right spot before I go anywhere." He finishes off his meal, obviously still hungry. I pick over mine, knowing I'll probably hand it over to him for him to finish.

"Then we'll have to go faster, for you to be out of the way by the right time."

He shrugs. "If we hurry, we can get a couple more miles in every day. Does the timing have to be that precise?"

"To make sure what I do has any real meaning for the war, yes."

"Right, ending it and all that."

I give up on picking through my meal, the very thought of what happens at the end of this journey, the thought of the deaths I will cause, putting me off. I pass it over and Seifer takes it, raising an eyebrow but finishing it in a few bites.

"So what're you going to do when you've completed this whole mission?"

I wish he wouldn't ask. "I don't know."

"No plans yet?" He puts an arm around my shoulders, and I close my eyes, leaning against him. "Maybe we could go and do something together, hm?"

"I'd like that," I say, very softly, barely audible.

"It's a deal." He leans his chin on top of my head. As long as he doesn't ask any further, I'm fine. He kisses my temple and pulls me closer, trailing from my ear to my lips, kissing me deeply and cupping my cheek in his hand. I'm glad for the change in mood, pressing closer to him as he runs a hand up my side.

He pulls away again with a slightly wicked smile, putting his hands on my hips and making me gasp softly as he lifts me easily into his lap, kissing me again with his hand working its way into my hair. The other hand moves from my hip to my ass and he squeezes gently, making me gasp as he runs his tongue up my neck. "What're you…?"

His trail continues up to my ear where he whispers, nibbling my earlobe, "Just relax, tell me to stop if it's too much or you don't like it."

I moan softly at that, deciding that there's no reason to tell him to stop, reaching up to wrap my arms around his neck as he slips a hand up under my shirt, running his fingers over the bumps of my spine and teasing at a spot just behind my ear with his mouth. I shiver slightly and tilt my head to let him carry on.

After a moment he moves to push up my shirt a little, and then pulls away, to my slight disappointment. "Maybe we should stop."

I just nod, and he raises an eyebrow, probably questioning my expression, and leans in again, kissing me softly.

"We should get going again." I nod again, getting up and letting him up as well. He frowns, not sounding pleased as he tells me, "We'll be arriving in enemy territory some time tomorrow, and we'll have to be more careful when we get there."

"The route already planned is as safe as we could make it. Some of the army remains to help, as well; they'll be just another sacrifice in the end."

He gets the map out of his pocket, nodding as he examines it, "Yeah, looks like you're right." He smiles slightly as he studies it a bit harder, looking up at me, "Looks like we get one last break before that, though. There's a lake on the way."

"I've never seen a lake before, since I've hardly ever left that one base."

"You do know how to swim, don't you? Because this one looks to be pretty big."

I shake my head slightly. "A little, but not very well."

He smirks, "Guess you'll have to hold on to me then."

"Why do I get the feeling that you don't mind that at all?" I roll my eyes at him and he laughs quietly, putting an arm around my waist and pulling me closer to him.

"I don't know… do _you_ mind?"

"No."

"Then I don't see the problem." He kisses me one more time before grabbing his bag, shouldering it and turning around, "We go now?"

I nod, and we set off, me silently cursing my feet for being so unused to walking, and Seifer for making me wish that this journey would last forever.

----

_Deleted scene. Squall and Seifer stop at a lake, go swimming, and end up having sex._

_For the full version, please find the link in my profile._

----

Seifer walks at his usual pace, the only sign of his slight worry being the cautious eye he keeps on the people he can see in the distance. We're in enemy territory now, but to me it seems more likely, considering our route, that those soldiers are our own.

I tell him that, though I know he won't lower his guard at all. "I think those people are our soldiers."

"Yeah, I was thinking the same… but being careful won't hurt us." He shields his eyes from the sun, staring into the distance and keeping a steady eye on the people. I wonder, for a moment, if any of them are people I know, people who taught me. Or even people who knew Seifer.

A soldier comes towards us, and Seifer grips the handle of his gunblade, even though the man is raising his hands in an unthreatening manner. He frowns at him as he approaches, but there are no others nearby as far as I can tell. "What do you want?"

He nods towards me. "Leonhart. We were told you'd be coming through here soon. I wasn't supposed to speak to you, but…"

I incline my head slightly, hoping that he doesn't say too much in front of Seifer. I'd rather that Seifer and I remain as we are, uninterrupted, until after I've done my duty. Then he can know all the details. Seifer relaxes a little, accepting that the soldier isn't a threat and apparently wanting to know what he wants to say.

The soldier looks at me carefully, a serious expression on his face, and salutes me. "I wanted to say good luck, but it's not exactly appropriate…"

The words cause Seifer to frown and raise an eyebrow, not understanding, but I just cross my arms in front of me, nodding my thanks. "Thank you. I'm just doing my duty, as you are."

The soldier glances at Seifer, and then turns back to me, saluting again. "I should get back to my duty, then, sir. We…. Appreciate your sacrifice. We'll remember it, if no one else does."

"As I said, thank you."

The minute the soldier has gone out of possible hearing range; Seifer turns to me, crossing his arms, "Sacrifice?"

I was afraid this would happen. I didn't want it. Wanted to spare Seifer the pain of knowing, yes, but also, selfishly, wanted him to treat me as if I would live after this. No one else ever has. I shrug slightly, trying to blow it off. "Let's keep going. We have a long way to go."

"No, I think I want to hear about this sacrifice first."

I'd started to walk again, but now I stop and turn to look at him, and then, unable to meet his eyes, at the ground. "There's nothing to say. Are you coming or are you going to leave me before I even get properly behind enemy lines?"

He grabs my wrist, pulling me closer to him. "Neither of us are going anywhere until you tell me everything I'm missing out on here, every fucking detail of what I shouldn't know."

"I've told you what I have to do."

"Yeah, kill the baddies; now tell me about this sacrifice business." He glares at me, getting more and more angry. I hate this. If only that soldier had stayed away, as he was ordered. Well, there'll be no way for me to report him after this anyway.

"Let go of me and let me carry on with this – alone if you can't handle it." I glare back at him, trying to push him away even though I still want him with me. It wasn't supposed to happen like this; he wasn't supposed to find out…

He lets go of my arm and shoves me back. "You could have fucking told me, you know?"

"Told you _what_?" I don't know why I'm still trying to deny it. It's pointless now. I turn away again and start walking, too fast for him to just grab me, but he just raises his voice, his words reaching me just as clearly as before, every single syllable a stab in the back.

"About this whole sacrif- That you're going to die, dammit."

I stop, but I don't turn to face him this time.

"Why didn't you tell me, huh? Can't trust the ordinary soldier with the precious information? Think I'm too fucking retarded to get it?"

Ordinary soldier? It almost makes me laugh to think of him as an ordinary soldier. No other person, man or woman, has ever been as close to me as he has. So much so that I didn't even know what a kiss was. Ordinary soldier? No. Something special, something special at least to me.

"What if I wanted to be close to someone for the first and last time in my life?"

"So you wanted to spare my little feelings? Bullshit."

"No. Guess I wanted to be selfish."

He walks up to me, wrapping his arms around me tightly from behind. "Fuck you."

"Whatever." I don't move one inch, despite the calming, pleasant warmth of his arms around me, the thing I crave more than anything else to keep feeling. "Going to stop me?"

"Is there any chance I'll succeed?" he asks, the tone of voice the one that is usually accompanied by a raised eyebrow. I've come to know him so well over so little time.

"None. I have to do my duty."

"Right." He pulls away from me, walking ahead and not even looking back at me. I have to wonder if I've blown it, if he'll be angry with me for the rest of my life, but that might make it easier to keep from a long goodbye. I've had all I deserve from him anyway. I follow him, noting the pissed off tone of his voice. "On we go."

----

Curled up to stay warm, I curse the fact that a fire is too dangerous now, and that soldier. If that soldier hadn't said anything, Seifer wouldn't have been angry with me, and I would have at least had his body heat to keep me warm tonight. As it is, he sits a little way away from me, legs pulled up to his chest, trying to stay warm in the same way as I am. He stares off into the darkness, his expression blank… I wish I could tell what he was thinking.

It's almost enough to make me cry, but I never cry. I close my eyes, moving to put my back to Seifer. As I do so, he sighs and shifts, lying back on the ground. I decide to try sleeping, but I can't stop shivering and settle down.

I hear him move, probably to reach for me and warm me back up as he has before, but he stops and doesn't. Still angry with me, then.

When he speaks, there isn't any anger in his voice, though. "Really, why didn't you just tell me?"

"At first I was following orders. Then I wanted to be close to someone, because nobody gets close to someone who they know is going to die." I uncurl a little, sitting up, keeping my back to him. My voice is very soft, painfully soft, "Not even their parents."

"Bullshit, if I didn't want to know anyone who was going to die, I wouldn't have joined the army in the first place."

I raise an eyebrow slightly. "You'd have been close to me even knowing that I'm going to die?"

"Maybe. I don't know, it might have been different, but it's not as if I wouldn't have talked to you, so maybe we'd have ended up just the same."

"We wouldn't."

"And how do you know that?" I hear him move again, getting up on his knees. "How the hell do you know that I wouldn't have fallen for your so very charming personality all the same?"

"No one else has," I say, shrugging slightly.

"Gee, thanks for giving me some credit."

"Why are you any different from every other person I've known?" I shiver slightly, a particularly cold breeze creeping through my clothes.

"Why should I be just the same?" he snorts, sounding annoyed again.

I can't think of an answer to that, so I say something else, wanting to know. "You don't want me to die, do you?"

He moves a little closer to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. "No."

I snort softly and turn to look at him. "You're the first person that hasn't said something like 'no, but…' Everyone I've ever cared about still wanted me to die, to end the war."

He slips his hand up along my neck, cupping my cheek tenderly. He cares about me more than anyone I've ever known, and his words and actions just confirm it. "I'd rather be fighting another ten years, call me a fool or a sap, but that's how it is."

"I'm still going to do it." I move closer to him, sighing softly as he brushes his thumb over my cheekbone.

"Why?"

I lean slightly into his touch, wanting more, wanting to just curl up against him and stay here, never mind my duty or anything else. But I'm not that selfish, not yet, anyway. "It's my duty. For everyone. For the soldiers." I smile slightly, and even though he won't appreciate it, add, softly, "For you."

"So what if I want to be selfish and I'd rather have you alive than peace for everybody?"

"What if I want to do it anyway?"

He wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer, and I lean into his hold with a soft sigh. "Fuck you," he says, and now there's not much anger in his voice, but there's a kind of hopeless, helpless pain.

"You've said that already today."

"Yeah, well, I mean it," he says, without conviction, and runs a hand through my hair. I move as close as I can and he sits back, wrapping his arms tightly around me and drawing me into his lap, sighing.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before."

"Nothing can change that now."

I hide my face against his neck, kissing lightly, smiling slightly because everything is okay, for now. Until we have to part, we're back to how we should be, more or less. "Still angry?"

He nuzzles against my temple. "No, not really, guess I was just a little surprised."

"I don't blame you, I suppose." I keep kissing his neck lightly until he reaches up to cup my cheek, tipping my head up to kiss me properly. I kiss him back, until I have to pull back, yawning softly. I'm tired from all the walking and, if I want to be truthful, from all the worrying. Seifer yawns as well and buries his face in my shoulder, so I wrap my arms around him tightly and squeeze a little, enjoying the closeness that I don't deserve.

He leans back after a moment, grabbing a blanket and wrapping it tightly around me to keep me warm, still holding me close. "Better sleep some, I guess," he says, quietly. I nod, yawning again, and he kisses my temple softly and holds me as tightly as he possibly can, closing his eyes for sleep. I nuzzle against him a little before closing my own eyes.

-----

Walking on in our usual comfortable silence, I keep looking at the countryside around us. It's a pity I can't see more of it – war ravaged as it is, I'd like to… know more about the world I'm supposed to be saving. But this isn't a pleasure trip and I have to get there on time… there's no more time to look around more or even slightly enjoy myself. It was probably arranged to be that way.

I guess they didn't expect that the soldier they set to guard me would be attracted to me. I guess they didn't think that he would show me such warmth and friendship and give me so much pleasure. They didn't think he'd be the one to give me a reason to live. They didn't expect a mere soldier to be better than all of them and care about me, not want me to die.

He digs through his pockets, looking for something, cursing as he can't find it, and then turns slightly to me. "This is bullshit, you know."

I raise an eyebrow.

"This! This whole dying for 'the good of the world' thing you want to do so badly, it's useless."

I shake my head slightly. "You're trying to stop me doing it, of course you think that. Why is it so useless?"

He shrugs, looking at me with that pained, helpless look. He knows he can't change my mind, but he'll try anyway. "I just… I don't get why you think you have to do this, I mean, it's not as if anyone's going to remember you or be grateful."

I shrug as well. "You would. Some of the soldiers will. Your commanding officer, Quistis; she will."

He snorts softly. "Quistis? Yeah, sure, for two minutes and then she'll have found someone new to bark orders at."

"She was…" I stop short of calling her a friend. I might have thought of her as such, but is anyone who really wants you to die truly a friend? "She taught me some things. She won't forget. Why are you so sure that no one will remember, anyway?"

"Sending one guy off to die to save your own asses isn't really something to be proud of," he tells me, rolling his eyes as if it was obvious. It probably was… it made sense, anyway.

"I still have to do it."

"What have they ever done for you?" He frowns, stopping and turning to face me completely.

"Nothing, really."

"Exactly! So why die for those bastards?" he asks, reaching for my hand and taking it in his, squeezing gently. I think he understands that no matter what he says, I will do this. But he wants to try anyway.

"I have a duty to them." I squeeze his hand gently. "You can't stop me from doing this, you _can't_."

"Why the hell not?" He steps close to me, grabbing my other hand as well and squeezing them gently. "You don't owe them a thing and this duty of yours… I don't get it, I just don't."

He really can't understand why I _have_ to do this.

"I've known I have to die since I've been old enough to remember what they were teaching me. As far as I know, I could die anyway… I want to be useful, before I do die." I look into his eyes, wishing I could explain it better. Wishing he wouldn't look at me, so pained and bewildered, wishing I didn't have to hurt him.

"We _all_ have to die, hell, I think it's a miracle I have had a bullet or ten in the chest yet." He steps closer, bumping his nose against mine and kissing me softly. I nuzzle against him with a soft sigh.

"I've been told all my life it's my duty. I can't walk away from it now."

"You could, if you wanted to."

I shake my head. "I don't want to."

"And I hate that." He kisses my cheek lightly, squeezing my hands and stepping back, obviously wanting to move on now that he's done his best to stop this and make the rest of our journey unnecessary.

I step forward to kiss him lightly, smiling the tiniest bit. "If you'd met me five years or so ago, you might have been able to convince me. But I'm too stubborn now."

"We'll see who's stubborn here." He smiles but speaks quietly, "We should get going again."

I pull away from him completely, reluctant, but knowing I have to. "Right. It won't do any good at all if I get there late."

----

I take a deep breath and turn to him, guarding my emotions as well as I can. No long goodbyes, I promised myself before, but now I can't help the urge to beg him to hold me, and to stay in that hold forever. Stupidity. Another deep breath. "We're here, then. If you walk away from here at your usual pace for a day, you should be safe; I'll wait until then."

"There won't be any need to wait," he says, stepping closer to me, tipping my chin up as I look at the ground. For a moment, I don't understand, and then I realise it. He wants to stay. Despite the fact that it will kill him – that _I_ will kill him – he wants to stay.

"I refuse to kill you as well."

"You're not getting a choice, I'm not going anywhere." He crosses his arms in front of him and I know he's not budging anywhere. He's made up his mind, and he won't be moved, not even for me. How can I feel so concerned for him, not want him to die, and yet want to murder him for standing there and making this so much harder?

"I don't want to be the reason you die." I glare at him as best as I can, because I don't want to just give in. He deserves life, a good life. He should be able to learn to read, and fish, and whatever else he wants to do when the war is over.

His look in return is just as fierce. "I don't want you to die either."

"Why does making me kill you as well make that any better?" And that's my last point I can raise, there's nothing else I can say to make him leave to go and be safe. Why does making me kill him, murder him, make my own sacrifice any better?

He closes his eyes for a moment and swallows visibly, "Because I don't want to have to be alone."

I look up at him, that statement reminding me of the time I spent alone, during my training, during my whole life so far. It's the only thing he could have said to completely break down my resistance and make me long for the life we could have if I didn't have to do my duty. I've been alone for a long time, too. But I won't just forget about my duty, even though I don't want him to be alone. Even though I want to be with him, not just for now, but for a lifetime and more. Sighing, I try one last thing, "Couldn't you... find someone else so you aren't alone?"

He shakes his head, brushing his knuckles over my cheek. "No, it wouldn't be the same." I move closer, resting my head against his shoulder and almost clinging to him, wanting him to hold me.

"Are you sure about this?" It's all I have to say, pathetic as it is. I can't deny him this, even if it is suicide, because it's the same as what I'm doing, really.

He puts a hand on the back of my neck and kisses the top of my head gently. "I've been sure for a couple of days."

"You're an idiot." I bite down on my lip, trying not to cry or anything similarly weak. I want to stay strong in front of him until the very end, damn it. I've known I was going to die ever since I can remember, knew I was going to kill hundreds of soldiers, probably from both sides, and now I'm baulking at the thought of killing one soldier who wants to be killed.

He laughs quietly, not humorously, maybe a little sad. "Does it help if I say I'm an idiot in love?"

"I still don't want to kill you."

"Look at it this way, at least now you don't have to do this all by yourself." He runs a hand through my hair, his soft sigh of air warm against my cheek. I pull away, intending to get on with this, but then I move forward again, kissing him almost desperately, and he kisses back, just as needy, holding me tightly. It's not that I can't do this, but… I don't want anyone I care about so much dead, whether it's my fault or someone else's.

I pull away, breaking the kiss, and look up into his face, deadly serious. "Now? Or do you want... more time?"

"Whenever you're ready." He cups my cheek and drops a kiss on my nose, and I mutter something inaudible to do with never being ready to die. How can I have got so attached to life in just these few weeks? I was ready to die at any time, whenever it was needed, before. Before I met him. He leans his forehead against mine. "Before we go, then, a question. Is this worth it?" He kisses me softly. "Do you love me?"

I kiss him back, wishing we had all the time in the world for this, for me to find words to tell him how much. "Do you really need to ask?"

"Just checking." He smiles a tiny smile, and takes my hands in his. "Going forth to vanquish our enemies, then?"

"Idiot," I half whisper, blinking away a bit of moisture and pretending to myself that it's not a tear; it's just because of the wind or the cold or something else stinging. I squeeze his hands almost painfully tight, and he squeezes back, that slightly sad smile on his face again as he pulls me towards the centre of the area.

I'm concentrating on what I have to do the minute we stand there, but I whisper to him, kissing him softly, one last time. "Hold me."

He wraps his arms around me from behind, holding me tightly, and resting his forehead against the back of my head. It's harder than I thought to let go, but he's waiting and I can't keep him waiting forever. I have a duty to do, to him and to every soldier fighting now, and with that thought, I feel my energy already going into the spell. I close my eyes and whisper to him, trying to make sure he knows, that he's certain, before we die, of how I feel for him. "I love you."

There's a moment of blurriness, as I seem to be in two places at once. I see him catch my falling body, whispering something in reply that must be 'love you too' before everything is gone.


End file.
